Making it Work While Asking “What’s Next?”

Posted on December 31, 2013 by

My end of year tradition is to find a theme song that sort of wraps up my year in just 3-4 minutes. This year, I struggled. Nothing in my repertoire seemed to totally encapsulate it as I spent most of the year contemplating “what’s next?”  This question still plagues me and possibly I’ll have an answer between now and midnight, but I expect the “what’s next” trend to continue into 2014.

The positive: I’m a heck of a lot closer today to “what’s next” than I was six months ago. In the absence of a clear answer, I started to clear out, get myself ready, clean the clutter, and make way for new challenges, new surroundings, a new beginning–whatever they might be.

I knew it was time to let go. Let go of things that were holding me back emotionally because I was clinging onto a life I was dreaming of rather than the life I had today. I began to let go of ideas of what was “supposed” to be and began accepting reality. I began working with what I had rather than what I thought I should have. I channeled Tim Gunn and claimed the motto, “make it work.”

Overall, 2013 was about letting go and getting ready for where ever God takes me. And so on NYE, 2013, I can say the load both physically and emotionally is getting  lighter, the picture is becoming clearer.

And finally, it’s amazing how good you feel when you finally ditch the 35 year old cross stitch books because you realize you never want to cross stitch again. That was a different life, a different me. I’m moving forward.  2014 bring it on!

 

 

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Christmas List 2013: Peace, Reflection and a Cocktail

Posted on December 24, 2013 by

004Peace on earth, or at least peace, was the motto for Amy’s Christmas 2013.

No I-95 traffic, no airport delays, crowded airplanes, or mad dashes to the mall for last-minute gifts. Not for me, not this year. Just a simple Christmas with Paxton, reflecting on the joyous reason for the season.

“But you’ll be alone,”  people say.  I don’t see it that way. I see it as an opportunity to find peace within yourself, and “Be still and know that I am God.”

If you’re like me, distractions, whatever form they take, for me it’s fighting traffic jams or  getting frisked by TSA agents, the hustle and bustle of trying to see everybody and do everything in a 24 hour period, strip away the joy of what Christmas is all about, and brings out my inner Scrooge.

It’s been several years since I can truly say I enjoyed Christmas. It’s felt more of an obligation than a celebration. This is not a knock on my family, I actually like to visit, and reserve my trips for more quality time when the stress of the holiday is not hanging over everyone’s head like dried up mistloe.  No, this is more of a result of growing up, becoming secure in myself, knowing what I want and having the courage to do it.

And what I wanted was a quiet, peaceful Christmas with Paxton, a few cocktails and midnight mass at my local parish rather than being a visitor at Saint Gabe’s in Charlotte. I wanted peace to reflect on my many blessings, and to prepare for the upcoming year.

Mission accomplished. It’s Christmas Eve AM and it’s getting quiet outside, and for once, I can hear it. I’m enjoying the twinkle of my 4ft North Carolina Fraiser Fur with no ornaments, just an Eiffel Tower tree topper. Paxton’s sacked out taking his mid-morning nap and I continue to work, sending email to a teammates who won’t read the message until January 7th. Later on,  I will step out for holiday cocktails with friends, and then midnight mass (yes, in that order–don’t judge, it’s the Catholic way, which I’m sure is written somewhere in the Catechism).

This will be my Christmas, and I’m positive it won’t be as “sexy” or picture-perfect as the many Christmases I will be a part of via Facebook and Instagram, and I’m okay with that because it’s perfect for me, perfect for this year.

Traditions are meant to be broken, revisited and then revamped. And sometimes between all that we  to have a reset and just do what’s right for us, for that year. I’m resetting. In fact my whole family’s resetting, going in different directions and building their own family Christmas traditions. It happens and it’s okay.  In fact, I find it refreshing, even liberating to create my own version of Christmas, or just wing it and see what happens. Over-planning at Christmas is no fun!  And the way I see it,  is that family is family and true family takes you in every day of the year, not just one.

Merry Christmas and may your day be filled with peace.

Amy & Paxton

 

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Happy Birthday Cindy Meredith

Posted on December 20, 2013 by
Cindy Meredith

There’s probably like 5 Amy’s in this picture, but Cindy’s in the red sweater.

I’m awesome at remembering dates. I can remember the day Princess Di died, her birthday, when she got married (I remember a lot of royal stuff), the date Carolina won the NCAA tournament in 1982, and well a lot of other random stuff that for whatever reason made an impression on me and in turn I cemented the date in my psyche.

I haven’t seen or talked to Cindy Meredith since 8th grade graduation when half of the class went to Ragsdale and  the other half to Southwest, but every year, December 20th, I remember her birthday. Her “Krush Grooving” birthday party where we “jammed to the hotest music around” was the beginning of my borderline OCD, one-way 18 year love affair with C.

For some f’uped reason on that night, I became enamored, obsessed with C and didn’t fully let go until I was in my 30′s. STUPID, STUPID, girl, I tell myself over and over.

I blame Guiding Light.  At 13, I had already been watching soap operas for half my life. Soap operas in the 80′s,  well, I guess, today too, teach you that true love means you can never be together, that something’s always going to get in the way of a fairytale ending. If that was the standard, I nailed it and deserved an Olympic medal.

C moved away 6 months after that party and I didn’t see him again for 5 years.

At 30, I finally “got” him, or at least so I thought for the 18 months we dated, flying back and forth between Michigan and Tennessee.  When I “got” him, he was straight off a divorce, 30 pounds overweight, and we lived 8 hours apart.  Seriously? I was a nut job over this boy. Again, STUPID, STUPID, girl, goes off in my head in a constant loop.

And tonight was no different than the 28 December 20th’s before it, I remembered. Cindy Meredith, where ever you are, “Happy Birthday.” I hope someday to forget.

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Top Five Seasonal Pet Peeves

Posted on November 27, 2013 by

EarlyXmasTreeIt’s the day before Thanksgiving and my seasonal pet peeves are already brewing for another year of total annoyance.

1. Early Christmas trees.  Give the pilgrims a little respect, after all, nearly half of them died on the Mayflower and once they were here, they suffered through hunger and a harsh winter to settle in the New World.  Thanksgiving and the pilgrims should be treated as more than a toll booth to Christmas.

2. Christmas sweaters.  Stitching’s of Santa Claus, gift boxes with red bows, bells that ring when you walk and outlines of candy canes all blocked off in perfect symmetry on top a boxy cardigan is a major fashion don’t, even for ugly Christmas sweater parties. Christmas sweaters of all shapes and sizes are just ghastly and I can’t take that much ugly and ill-fashion sense for 25 straight days.

3. “Holidays” – Just say what it is and don’t be so lazy and lump them all together as “the holidays.” Say Christmas, Hannukah, Thanksgiving, whatever it is, just call it what it is, and forgo political correctness.

4. Shopping and Travel News Reports – It’s the same story every year. Interviews of people so obsessed with a bargain they skip Thanksgiving dinner and camp out in front of Best Buy for the door buster $100 computer. This on top of the media’s hype of Black Friday, Cyber Monday,and the constant predictions of how good or bad the season will be for retailers never offers new insight. I’ve not once heard of a retailer report that they exceeded their Christmas sales targets. Every year, retailers have “disappointing sales.”

In the same vain, travel news. I’ve heard those all before too.  The lone reporter standing at  DCA, reporting that “it’s the calm before the storm.” Really? It’s that way every day at US airports. Road reports don’t fare better. Gas continues to be expensive and the fact that more or less people are on the road than last year is of little interest for those that do drive to their destination. I say, “so what?”

5. Around the clock Christmas music. How many renditions of Silent Night and Santa Claus Coming to Town does one need for 24 hours a day 7 days a week from Thanksgiving to Christmas, and for some beyond Christmas Day? A Christmas carol thrown into the everyday mix adds that special blend that you can only get at Christmas. Too much of one thing and we don’t appreciate it as much. Again, the over indulgence of American society.

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Reflections on Ten Years Post C

Posted on November 21, 2013 by

I was 31 and on the threshold of living the life I had written for myself at 13– a life with C, marriage, kids, friends, love, laughter and friendship. I had hope. I had dreams. Dreams that on a random Tuesday night in November 2003 were pulverized when C said, “it’s over.”

That night was my personal 9/11. I lost everything I had believed in since I was a little girl living in small town North Carolina.  I lost the ideal, picturesque, Americana-view of how I had envisioned my life, and was thrust upon the road less traveled with a bushel of grief weighing me down.  I just stood there, motionless and clueless to which way to go—there was no yellow brick road in front of me, no fairy godmother to show me the way, just me standing in front of a jungle mass of intertwined trees that forced any ray of sun from filtering through.

If you would’ve told me 10 years ago that I’d still be scraping and clawing my way through that jungle, I’d say, “no way.” Even with such a devastating loss, I knew I still had time to recoup and capture the idealistic life I had imagined. Maybe I wouldn’t have three kids, but I definitely had time for two.

Fast forward 10 years and I’m still in the jungle, forging my own path, alone. And while I’ve found a machete to help cut down the weeds so I can better see forward, I still find myself looking back to see how far I’ve come. I look back and see that while I’ve moved forward and discovered new ground, the journey’s been hard, exhausting and often times hopeless. It’s been a daily struggle to find my footing and forge a path where none existed.

Surviving in the jungle hasn’t been all bad. It took away any desire I had left of C.  I buried him in a dark cave where the jungle has since regenerated and masked the cave’s pathway from view.  I couldn’t find him if I wanted to—the compass I found mid-way in my journey no longer registers his coordinates.

As I think of my life in a post-C era, I have mixed emotions. I’m amazed at the challenges I’ve tackled and how self-sufficient I’ve become. I never thought I’d acquire so many handy girl skills, like installing a garbage disposal and ceiling fan, nor did I ever think I’d have the courage to travel alone to foreign lands and actually enjoy my own company.  Despite my accomplishments though, I still consider myself a failure in all conventional matters of love, marriage and family.  Dreams of kids and being a mom are dimming daily. My lesson: Biology doesn’t wait for us or “the one.” For this, I still hate C!

I must admit, however, the jungle’s become a familiar place, a place where I’ve found routine, comfort, and sometimes a little sunshine will seep through the canopy of trees surrounding me to provide some light to guide me to the next day.  Yet, I am always on guard because among the familiar, there’s also the unknown. I can’t predict the next 10 years, but what I do know is that after 10 years in this jungle, I’ve developed a strong instinct to survive, move forward, and see tomorrow. Someday though, I’d like to find my way out. I’m tired.

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