I hear voices

I hear voices

For the past couple of years, I’ve stayed pretty quiet. A blog post here and there, but no self promotion, just me and WordPress getting together once every four or five months to take a few notes about what’s on my mind, so I don’t totally lose track of these years-even though there’s much I’d rather forget.

But as I try to fall asleep, a nagging voice inside me tells me to get up and write. I try to ignore it, I really want to go to sleep, but it keeps whispering, go get your computer, write something, there’s something new for you there. I hate that voice–I don’t want to listen. But for probably the second time in my adult life, I listened and I got out from under my cozy, silk comforter to grab my computer from its home base in the kitchen.

I’m blinded by the light of my laptop as I open up the lid and type in my password. I’m remembering what those sleep experts say about not using electronics before going to sleep. Damn it, this means I’ll never make mass in the morning because I need those eight hours of sleep. Ugh, I don’t want to write, I don’t even know what to say, I hope the words come easy.  The same voice that told me to go get my computer is asking, what the hell do you have to say anyway? No one cares.

But then from a quiet corner of my soul comes a reserved, almost shy voice that says, you need to say it, others need to hear it. I’m listening, but I’m wondering, what is IT?

Questions run through my mind. Have I not been authentic? Has everything I’ve ever written been a complete ruse? Have I been fooling myself to believing that whatever persona I portrayed was really me? Ugh, this is so much to ponder on a Saturday night. But I know I’m on to something.

I look back at past posts and see the holes where I’ve been hiding. I see the stories I want to tell rather than the stories as how they were or are. I know that if I’m truly honest, I need to go deeper, I need to come out of my rabbit hole,  and unravel, unpack the beautiful mess that I am. I need to open up about my struggles, my fears, my challenges, my hopes, my dreams–all those things that make me completely vulnerable–something this tough girl doesn’t like to talk about…

 

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