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Searching for the NBM Woman

Searching for the NBM Woman

Lately, I’ve been pondering the concept of NBM. Or what the online dating sites classify as “Never Been Married.”  I’m particularly interested in this concept for women 40+. Although the claim is that 40 is the new 30, when it comes to marriage, stats still confirm that that the average age for a woman to get married in the US is 26.5.

The marriage rite of passage  is highly touted through the countless shows dedicated to finding the perfect wedding dress, having the most memorable wedding and the tales of bridezilla, yet I can’t point to one TV show or reputable role model that caters to the 40+ NBM women.

I ask, where are the role models that tell us it’s okay to forgo marriage, that it’s okay living alone, and that having a perfect wedding does not equate to a perfect marriage? My fear is that today’s focus on weddings and the bombardment of online dating sites sends the wrong message to American young girls.  Don’t they need to know that being single is not a curse, but another lifestyle choice to be considered?  A choice that can come with benefits that far out-weigh those of marriage?

Being a 40+ NBM either by choice or by circumstance is one to be celebrated. They’ve kissed a lot of frogs and have far more insight to the world of men, dating, marriage and relationships than many of their married antagonists. I believe they need to be promoted and celebrated. There’s so much to learn from this cohort and I want to hear more from them. Speak up. Where are you?

Sue Sylvester, an Online Dating Guide?

Sue Sylvester, an Online Dating Guide?

001dht41Every Tuesday night, I’m doubled over in laughter at the quotes rattled off by Glee’s, Sue Sylvester. This woman hates anything and anyone who gets in her way of winning year- after -year cheerleading national chamiponships.

Sue once dated Rob from the local news, but for the most part I believe Sue has resigned to her fate as a single woman. And then I wondered what would happen if Sue set up an online dating profile on one of the many sites that are advertised during a Saturday marathon of “Say Yes to the Dress?”

I often criticize internet dating. I just don’t believe it’s real. It comes across as forced and trying too hard. You have to put the person you want to be out there versus the person you really are. This usually means a generic profile that says you like movies, hanging out with friends, traveling and listening to jazz. Doesn’t everyone say the same thing in their quest to say something different? A dating paradox.

But what if someone like a Sue, just put it out there and said what she wanted without a filter? Throughout school, growing up, even in the corporate world, we’re taught to be careful with our words.  We’re taught to not offend and to think before we speak. Now maybe that’s appropriate for your professional life, but when did that become okay for your personal life? When did sounding like everyone else become the standard for finding true love or at a minimum a fun date for Saturday night. Shouldn’t we be who we are and say what we mean? I’m convinced that the dating world, both on and offline needs more of this.

If you’re honest about who you are and say what you want, then aren’t your chances better that you’ll eliminate the crap and get better results? Frankly, I don’t want to be bothered with the crap. I’d rather watch a 10 hours of Buffy on Saturday than be bothered with the equivalent of Sue Sylvester’s, Will Schuster, a man Sue despises spending any time with.

So my question is, if you put it out there, say what you mean, say what you want, will men gravitate toward that or against it?

Look at a few of Sue’s quotes and you decide:

“I’m tough, I’m ambitious and if that makes me a bitch, that’s what I am.”

“..simply put, you have all the sexuality of all those pandas down at the zoo, who refuse to mate.

” I always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness.”

“All I want is just one day a year when I’m not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties.

“I don’t trust a man with curly hair. I can’t help but picture little birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and it disgusts me.