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2015 Shattered Me

2015 Shattered Me

Seven days into 2016 and I’m still reflecting on 2015. My New Year’s Eve was spent jet-lagged from three red-eyes in four days across 15 time zones, and instead of my traditional bottle of wine, I was in REM sleep before 7PM. In complete zombie mode, the only thing I wanted or could contemplate was: What time is it and is it too early to go to bed? But it seems the worst of the jet-lag is behind me and other than an earlier than normal bedtime, which is not a total bad thing, I’m mostly back to regular-programming with a clear mind to reflect on the year gone by.

My annual tradition is to select a theme song that best summarizes the year. I often find lyrics have a better way of wrapping up the year in nice four line stanzas rather than me rambling about what I did or didn’t do that was great, shitty, depending upon the year.

For 2015, Shattered, by O.A.R. seemed most appropriate. This song has been on my iPod since 2010, but somehow it popped back up into my playlist this year. When I first heard it again, I was exhausted with life, taking care of myself and being strong for myself, I was begging God for a bone, anything to show me that it won’t always be this way, but everything looked dark and I couldn’t find anything to soothe my soul, to give me hope.

So many times I had pulled myself up from my bootstraps, put the pieces together and moved forward, but this time it felt different, this time I felt irretrievably lost, unsure of everything, searching for anything–I was more than broken, I was shattered, left wondering, can I turn this around?

SHATTERED by O.A.R.

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it’s always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There’s more I need
It’s always back to you

But I’m good without ya
Yeah, I’m good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can’t define what I’m after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I’m shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you
But I’m good without ya
Yeah, I’m good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can’t define what I’m after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I’m shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can’t define what I’m after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I’m faking
Taking my time but it’s time that I’m wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can’t define what I’m after
I always turn the car around

Don’t wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around

Making it Work While Asking “What’s Next?”

Making it Work While Asking “What’s Next?”

My end of year tradition is to find a theme song that sort of wraps up my year in just 3-4 minutes. This year, I struggled. Nothing in my repertoire seemed to totally encapsulate it as I spent most of the year contemplating “what’s next?”  This question still plagues me and possibly I’ll have an answer between now and midnight, but I expect the “what’s next” trend to continue into 2014.

The positive: I’m a heck of a lot closer today to “what’s next” than I was six months ago. In the absence of a clear answer, I started to clear out, get myself ready, clean the clutter, and make way for new challenges, new surroundings, a new beginning–whatever they might be.

I knew it was time to let go. Let go of things that were holding me back emotionally because I was clinging onto a life I was dreaming of rather than the life I had today. I began to let go of ideas of what was “supposed” to be and began accepting reality. I began working with what I had rather than what I thought I should have. I channeled Tim Gunn and claimed the motto, “make it work.”

Overall, 2013 was about letting go and getting ready for where ever God takes me. And so on NYE, 2013, I can say the load both physically and emotionally is getting  lighter, the picture is becoming clearer.

And finally, it’s amazing how good you feel when you finally ditch the 35 year old cross stitch books because you realize you never want to cross stitch again. That was a different life, a different me. I’m moving forward.  2014 bring it on!

 

 

2012 Theme Song

2012 Theme Song

So what that we’re 10 days into 2013. I started thinking about my 2012 theme song in December, so it still counts, and in my mind I’m not late to the game, just in time. After all, I don’t believe you rush into things just because the media and the calendar tell me to. Nope, I’ve spent time reflecting on  what song encapsulated my 2012, and while I considered other options, I kept coming back to the same song, “Let it Be.”

As I’ve said before, I’m no big Beatles fan, but the lyrics of “Let it Be” have always spoken to me, but this year more so. Simply they summarize the type of year I had in 2012.

See, sometimes, we just have to wait and  just see what happens. In our age of constant and instantaneous information, it’s hard to just be.

What 2012 taught me is that we don’t have all the answers and that no matter how hard we try, it’s not all in our control and that sometimes to get the answers,  we just have to “Let it Be.”

“LET IT BE”

When I find myself in times of trouble,
Mother Mary comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom,

Let it be.
And in the hour of darkness,
She is standing right in front of me,
Speaking words of wisdom,
Let it be.

Let it be, let it be,
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom,
Let it be.

And when the broken-hearted people,
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer,
Let it be.
For though they may be parted,
There is still a chance that they will see,
There will be an answer,
Let it be.

Let it be, let it be,
Let it be, let it be,
There will be an answer,
Let it be.

Let it be, let it be,
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom,
Let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine until tomorrow,
Let it be.
I wake up to sound of music,
Mother Mary comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom,
Let it be.

Let it be, let it be,
Let it be, let it be,
There will be an answer,
Let it be.

Let it be, let it be,
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom,
Let it be.

Blank it Out in 2011

Blank it Out in 2011

imagesI’m not a huge fan of New Year’s resolutions. It just seems contrite to say on January 1st you’re going to change a behavior that makes you who you are. Nevertheless, I do believe in doing things for yourself that make you happy, and incorporating it into your daily life.  That thing whatever is for you, can come on January 1st, July 4th or September 15th…it really doesn’t matter as you start it and do it.

This year, I’m focused on “xxx it out.” You fill in the xxx blank. Do whatever your blank is and do it out, do it right.

For me, I’m doing three things:

1) Dance it out. This means that for 3-5 minutes whether it’s in my condo, my car or on metro, I’m gonna dance it out to whatever song compels me.

2) Pray it out. There is a higher power out there and He’s gonna hear more from me this year.

3) Laugh it out. Find something to laugh at and enjoy the act of laughing and the joy in the moment.

What are you gonna “blank it out” this year?

2010 Theme Song Selected

2010 Theme Song Selected

Last year’s theme song was about “Searchin’ My Soul.” I was lost. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. I was in conflict over what I thought I wanted in life and what life had dealt me. This year, I turned a corner. I discovered and accepted who I was, and learned that life is not about following societal norms and traditions, but about finding your own way. It was about “Defying Gravity.”

“Defying Gravity”

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
of someone else’s game

Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It’s time to try
defying gravity
I think I’ll try
defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
and you won’t bring me down…

I’m through accepting limits
’cause someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But ’til I try I’ll never know

Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost

I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you won’t bring me down…

I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you won’t bring me down,
Bring me down